Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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