"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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