Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
