I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize