I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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