she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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