Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
