I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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