Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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