You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Is Oprah even human
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
