Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
