My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
