I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I supernannyed him into submission
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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