so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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