Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
