i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
