There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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