EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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