I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
