The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
