There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
