so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize