So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
