roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize