Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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