I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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