we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
whose ass print is on the piano?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
