These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
