When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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