sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
