My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
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