Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
sex in a hospital.. check
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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