According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
