I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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