Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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