This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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