I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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