I can text with my tongue
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
