Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
my sisters under your porch take her home
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
