If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He? As in you personified your dick?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
