Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Everyone says I win the strip club
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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