when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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