i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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