I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
