i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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