So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
