I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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