clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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