You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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