i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
