you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
