I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im about as happy as oj after his trial
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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