That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
