Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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