I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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