wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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