she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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