your parents love me but you hate me
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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