I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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